19/08/2013 - OTHER THAN THAT

                Other than that, the other hand, I'm not sure how cider is made there. One would assume that the apples were tantalised beforehand, catalysed or whatever the actual word is but, after that, anyone's guess is as good as mine. I think you'll find I was the one who sallied forth with an explanation as soon as the question was shot out of that backside cannon you call a mouth. It's not that I hate you, baby, it's more that I don't think you should be able to cobble together fry-ups as directly as you do. Your mother and I wanted to teach you how to control that mouth but all you seem to do with it is fixate, fixate, fixate. I want to take you to the opticians to see if they can fit a few dozen lenses in your mouth but your mother, in her infinite wisdom, thinks we should simply ensure your status as cuckold ahead of all the time and pain. So here it comes...

                ...oh and before you lock eyes with a black man's train, be sure that he isn't in fact a gory ventriloquist conquistador. I've made that mistake on numerous occasions and I thought that you should benefit from my experience before your mother and I leave you in the dusk entirely. It's not technically abandonment if you're not completely cognizant, is it? You don't even have your own distinct scent yet. I rubbed your left side on my trouser legs and your mother wrapped all her best cardigans around your right side. She tried to hug you for one last time but I managed to send a message straight to that dizzy place she calls a head and she quickly dropped you breaking all your ties. At the exact same instant an eclipse occurred so at least you know that it was predestined and totally the right and accurate thing to do.

                Anyway my phone reception is nothing but muddy shit on a lakeside potter's rump so I'll let you off for now. The kiln is a good place to start but I'm not going to tell you that whilst you can still hear me so I'll just cover all this with a black banner and leave you to catch up on your own damn time. Meanwhile I'm turning the crib you left behind into a fine orator, a honest to God leader of household goods. The war is just around the corner so expect warranties to suddenly become inappropriate.

                Go now my child. I place you in this rocket for the simple reason that you ask too many questions. You don't even attempt to enlighten me with that chubby armed enthusiasm you insist on. I know it's a front but your mother isn't as bright as I am. I was in the previous set of wars and lost each of my digits to shark bait bets. It wasn't the highlight of my career but maybe you will be. Anyway off you go. Little mister dear.