25/08/2013-26/08/2013 - WRITING TIPS FOR THE LIGHT-HEADED and READING TIPS FOR CHAINSAW WIELDERS

WRITING TIPS for the light-headed vary from re-establishing uncle tropes to mastering current grammatical jitters. If anyone tells you different then shun them forthwith, they know nothing of the true side of hand cramp or pen strikes or learned mistakes. The key trick to becoming a successful writer, and of course I mean a writer who successfully makes a fool of himself while clocks are ringing all around him, the key trick is to wear a baseball cap when out in public. People will underestimate you, challenge you for the sake of their bookshelves, and defy your definition of what it takes to animate slurping noises. Scribbling is not writing so don’t even try to spew out daft concepts born of slipshod theories orchestrated by romantic poets and modern horror writers. Always trust the former SAS soldiers, they know all the right people and can threaten those that somehow stay away from them. It takes a lot of water to get a publishing deal these days and only a little water retention.

AND OF COURSE the fun part of being a writer with moderate success is dictating what lesser mortals shouldn’t do. I say that you should never sing above a minor G, you should never consider the implications of loose foundation stones, you should avoid climbing up ceiling fans for a loose sheaf of paper and you definitely should never own more than three doors. These rules are paramount and therefore you can’t ever warp them or blow your nose on them. Only I can gently turn them on their side, lay them down on a yoga mat and commence with some gentle stretching exercises and that’s because I have earned the right and qualifications to do so. You can aspire to bag my better ideas but that is all, what I have written here is written in stone and not just because of my special carving pen. I have a heart full of love and won’t take shit about my adverbs. I have an extendable condo and my own observatory trained on women’s football locker rooms everywhere. I have vinyl, a chance to eat that vinyl and the chance to throw that vinyl back up whenever I want. You can have what I have but only when you’ve accepted me as the next step up.

MY CARPENTER says I am wonderful and she has blistered thumbs. It’s all for show and worth your usual brand of yo-yo commentary. I’d be happy to hang it up only there is a dynamic magician in my bed currently and she is just as lovely and broken as my carpenter. They play in a band together, a band called Turbulent Quandary. I have never heard any of their track lists and pride myself in this respect. I am far too busy writing my words and choking on the punctuation to notice anything going on around my head. Just keep stocking up on hot cross buns and I might have a chapter by the end of the week. Probably not a first draft.

 

            Reading tips for chainsaw wielders are very simple actually. First you start with a lolloping lullaby to stiffen the arm and then you open the prose and snort it up through your left nostril. Not your right nostril!  Your right nostril makes elementary mistakes so DON’T FUCKING USE IT! Sorry for the bad language, I’m having multiple conversations at once. The internal combustion engine can also be very useful, as well as pursuing a career in midwifery. The calling calcifies your brain and the engine charges through your important areas. To advise jettisons of nervous substances creates its own plight, its designation redirected. I come from a particularly small family and have learned that powerful reading requires a strict adherence to the rules, no matter how perplexing. As surprising as it seems, it normalises with a heron beak.

            For instance, go stand with that ghostly carpet. Do you feel a pair of testicles brushing against your earlobe? Don’t worry that is sensation caused by national pride. It is rather fabulous and not a little bit nebulous in this extraordinary effect of life. The bottom does not move, it is very peculiar and may cause bleeding of the hair scum and may even end life. Can you see the point? I presume that that can in your hand is, by its very nature, flimsy. It is a desirable object.

            Anyway back onto reading. As a wielder of chainsaws you should know all about niches and indentations and their camouflaged behaviour. One of the reasons you lost your other senses was because of your least welcome invention: the imagination. Who wants to create long glory if it means pushing around those inner-marbles? IT IS AN INFECTION WITHOUT THE FUN OF INFLECTION. If you feel imagination creeping up on your remarkable ability to foretell indentations, then phone the police immediately. They’ll crown you until the pesky trick elapses and shudders back into the lipstick cupboard. Don’t worry: they have been sufficiently trained in a Jamaican facility.

            Now it is time to reverse-engineer, to tell you all the things that you absolutely cannot do to be a good reader. One: you cannot record the Irish and play back their jolly suffering streak. Two: you cannot become an executive toy. Three: you cannot predict the future of the laws of physics. Four: you mustn’t hone any more than sixty swinging balls during your short lifespan. Five: never host an irrelevant radio show. Six: never wear 0% of a neckerchief. Seven: don’t seem illumination when what you really want is enlightenment. These are all perfectly healthy tips to a reasonably perky future. So avoid doing all that. That would quite fit the bill or so I am led to believe.

            In short, stop being a writer. You don’t have to have written anything to be a writer but you can suffer key symptoms from it. What your seeking is readership so don’t mess around. You’re merely bookish.