The People love anachronisms: I’ll say that right now, right up front.
There is a type of experience that can only be referenced by particular members
of a philharmonic orchestra and it is that type of experience we are feeling
right now. So gird your loins and prepare the rocket boots: the People are
ready to march with their batons safely thrust in the air!
Our plan of attack is fivefold:
1.
Surrender the lesbians. The lesbians are what
the people want, the slutty ones especially. The kind of strong independent
women who still carry small purses and wield long, drawn-out kisses whenever
faced with traitorous truck driver dykes. We must give up one half of our
homosexual population for their depraved testing.
2.
Monetise the fizzy drinks. The People love their
colas and lemonades so we shall use them to replace current commodities. It
will be the first set towards cultivating a landmark city of the world, right
here and roughly now. Make the bastards thirsty for it.
3.
String. We’d rather not say what we need to do
with string but we do need miles and miles of it. Say seventy thousand, eight
hundred and ninety six. It’s best you can’t read the flipside of this stone
tablet.
4.
Plagiarise the weakest rock formations. The
People have a strange passion for geology so we can always weaken them by
taking over their pretty little hobby and completely ruining it with feeble
facsimiles and tired regurgitations from bygone eras. It’s saved our skin
before in the Battle of the Grand Girdle 1994.
5.
Write and then ghost-write eleven new love
songs. The census has shown that most civilians fill their homes with soppy
music without even the slightest hint of irony. That’s good, we can exploit
that. We churn out the crap for the charts and they’ll be putty in our lower
extremities. They might just let go or give us some room to landscape.
As the one remaining son of God, I implore you all to take arms and,
wherever possible, adjudicate the exams of the soul. We don’t pay our
cumulative weight in silver just to see Rome overrun by the man-eating People.
Crucify a few of them if you must but always ask first, get a permission slip
from their jaded mothers. I find that damnation is the same all around the
square and in some of the major parks so we really should follow the necessary
rules before matters get truly and definitively sticky.
And that is not a reason to destroy him! That guy over there, I’m
talking directly to you and your curious huddle of friends! We can find our own
vultures, thank you so very much! But, out of mercy of the day, I will spare
you the rod and instead stare at your abdomen with an intensity unequalled in
most outer counties. We shall plot all preceding events according to time and
specification. We do have a war on you know.
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