04/06/2014 - THE SCRAPER LEADS THE CAVES

The Scraper leads the caves in ‘good cop, bad cop’ formation. Interesting work. Pretty women in angry Italian dresses infest the corners the caves in question and don’t even find the common courtesy to find the elevator doors at the end of the archaeological dig. This could be the find of the century, the devil with puffed up cheeks and a cool accent. His wife had a good time in the killer’s den, she sailed his yacht and even got into law school. Sixty eight straight convictions without plea bargain. One day the timer drops the mathematician, the next the geography teacher with treacherous prejudice. Shotguns were not involved. I love to seal lips with secrets from Florida’s rutting pool. If you walk with me, you walk with fiery footsteps right off of the top of the Scraper’s mighty head. Some people can’t handle defying sentiment exactly; filling in resumes tends to be as far as most people can manage. Dodgy Southern accents are quite different to the downwards slope. Are you a preacher’s daughter working at a poultry stick factory. Lots of potential clients in negotiation with their own contracts.

Our crudity ends with tyres and begins with talent focused via squeezing and stitching on deadlines. Can you sleep at night with glass on your fifth avenue? Can you mount a policeman with an expose lurking around with bulky children. Of course the fraternity ends with curly living across the hall. Nobody told the mistress about the apartments she would have to frequent just to make ends meet. Be careful just how you get lost in palettes. There aren’t many impressions to make when you’re a millionaire with six year’s worth of frugal lying under your five dollar belt. Are you really this good at being a Mary? I’m only getting behind on my bills and shore leave. Scrounge around, repossess, imamate all you like and know just how much I love you in media. You are in charge of mergers and acquisition of intellectual properties according to whole team units. It would be so nice to meet you while you’re extraditing post hoc cases with NYPD terrorists. The pet goat makes me laugh.

It’s a test, right? The Scraper makes eighteenth century car salesman an impossibility because locking that shit down would be too mild for most casual observers. Your dogs may whimper but I alone own the basement for my crocodile boots and shoes and all the candles that make pretend they’re voodoo through their mood lighting. I do not like fishing or lawyering or spiritual currency. The midriff silences racial health against Monsieur GreenPaint, the very complexion of The Scraper. That’s all of it, all the Caribbean over the walls. I’m just trying to help legal documentation say goodnight to the simple people and their bright white t-shirts filled with alky wine glasses. Float around for a while, drift but do not settle at the condo. His side, my side, her side – all exaggerated appointments of cross handling, thanks to that pet goat I mentioned.

03/06/2014 - PARENT SUPPORT NO, NO, NO

            Parental support no, no, no. The dog is choked by the moments that choke human's up and it's up to you, good sir/madam, to save its little tail from expiring. I smell a celebrity cameo! It smells like smoky bacon crisps that have been left on a sidewalk in America, in some undisclosed town in a lazy indie movie that focuses mostly on the scene transitions. This is not a good way to start off  a relationship with oneself, one's own shadow three weeks from now. Graft it from the back of the stairs and prop it up beside you and there you have it - oneself. Or rather one self, singular. Does it depress you to know that the police have your shadow in lockdown? Your shadow has done quite a few naughty things in its time of separation, it's campaigned for many righteous activist groups. I'm not going to tell you which because I'm a petty agent of justice out for my own end.

            Need like a reed or an on-call ward. You put up with so much and ask for so little simply because father was considerably more Scottish than uncle while he was reading his pint of whiskey in case the lines blinked and bubbled. Don't let those suds step out of line or your son of a bitch ass is fried. There goes the American film industry again, the indie films are marrying the popular ones. Babies will follow with long noses and toes and thumbs that stick out in sore ways. Poor gentlemen are currently residing in my basket case until further notice, until movements stop and the sensitivity forces its way into the holy books. The manuals will take that shit better anyway because the police are encouraged to enforce it. This is the fiftieth anniversary of Uranus going balmy for the Islamic holidays.

            Also tonight: belligerent word leaders will resort to humble slapping to combat their mutual melanomas and beard abstractions. Fit me with a camera and call me lucid! Speaking of which, the whithersoever is the sound a songbird makes when its overcome by ambivalence in a galleria. Special correspondents are paging doctors and doctors are paging orthopaedic surgeons. Unfortunately they are all on the monkey bars in the local park, trying to sink their teeth into the plastic covering the metal alloy. The tears you see in the next wink of daylight shall be like industrial drills on the bicuspid.

            So say hey, hey, hey, hey, hey to all female police officers in case the next one comes along and wears the cufflinks across their altered bows. This is the decision-making while this is the king-making. You can go forth by skill alone now, diligence and groovy looks are just a hamper in basket cases much like my own. I will bury the damn thing in the Dead Sea along with the ashes of Pocahontas and her one-time lover Neil, the contact lens dealer. He has resentment for the salvage crew.

02/06/2014 - I FORGOT ABOUT THE ROUGE SEWAGE

I forgot about the rouge sewage, I REFUSE TO PLAY UP TO THE WEAK TEA SOME GUY. Climbing GLITCHES makes me like everyone so DON’T FEEL special. I’m serious. Queef vengeance, that’s what I’ve been told to say just so YOU CAN MAKE TENNIS BALLS. I didn’t see, I like PRESIDENTS as interpreted by the movies and the letter YES.  Tell me where you’re going, where you plan to go and how diagonal, along which wall, with which code. Avant-garde music SQUARED. Motherfucker avast! I’m heaving a fever dream because the lacked fox told me to be fucking awesome BUT NOT ON THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT.

How we flesh, how we Ebola, how grounds, how grinds, paper hats with different levels and glacial tiers. The numb portal on the hocked-up computer. Ergo cute separation as heard by beef sinks. This is another glitch on the pop record with silly step stools. I THINK THE BIGGEST ONE WAS A STARK CONTRAST TO LEGS BEING RAISED BY NEW PEOPLE ON GLOWING NETWORKS WITHOUT NEVER HAVING TO HEAVE VIRALITY ONTO CHEAP CHEEPS. It has not been twenty years since the snores became hereditary and filled with remorse from an egg cup without company time or buzz words to be kicked around. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ERASMUS? DOES HE HAVE A STANDARD? He has nothing on Cerberus, all he has is strong words with minimum connectivity. Make me a friend for nothing.

Never again woks. Skies filled with closed calls and bought-out wooden stocks. This is seventeen percent of most basketball games without sorry cisterns. You know what worries me about the writing? The broker slips a chin right on a café place window, not the one you were thinking of last aspect. Buttering down the hallways with corridor high fives, YOU FEEL WELCOMED.

                                                                        Come forth now and help thy daughter like a revolution that your affairs had at some point because they were SICK AND TIRED OF castanets in the blind man's bluff. The dog scratches its tail and the cat molests the mouse before chucking its measly chin. No whiskers involved, that kind of dope requires a statement and some MONETARY BOLSTERING. You stopped with your envelope tearing and it got you all the way down the line of kings so you'll move onto the queens, that's inevitable and charitable like a drunk choirboy slamming videogames for violence. SOME might say you're a saviour in yellow, a hovering halo with a hoover under your jacket.

                But we've had it up to here with you, up along there like a mantelpiece barrister who's only just discovered that the vouchers he kept in his back pocket have an eye for the delights of disco and ghetto music just brings them down, down, dooby-doo. In five minutes, tomorrow will be HERE AS A WRACK, AS A JUGULAR that stands up all by itself to make espionage difficult so much so that walking in puddles is a preferable career choice when in fact it is a killer. 

01/06/2014 - IF A WORSHIP

            If a worship could be nicer, my hands would be trembling with smuggler kisses and sir and madam would actually eventually definitely be found. The lords are admirals here and admirable in that wry way in which they dress seen from the rebel ship. The force is as stern as assets in death, as the chuckling lunge would and might happen. Eat with a mud hut and you become the new settle. Patience and height: the boy has neither. Was I any different from readymade trading while I was right there, a serious chap in a good looker's business? I wasn't, no. You won't fail me again for fear and other purposes too tangy to leave and put forth on the tabletop.

            React accordingly to the cave and the shadows it contains because the light won't always leads you outdoors where its safe. But wait a minute, there's more. There's always more, winged with freshness and on the committee as a balanced member with big red tape to establish who they are to the users on your back. Your body must become an auditorium for muesli and a comfy set of space seats for space age flying vehicles. Stay with me on the island, whistling like a little green git like me. My ears are pinned back as ever. All trajectories alerted and high on their own produce, sums and other malleable stuff o' nonsense. Surrender and switch to lightspeed for any ideas and shines from cardsharps and other duplicitous, long-sighted calls to detachment.

            You dream while I beckon the earthly ridicules and she won't even latch on to the hydraulics until 2098. For as long as we've all known each other, the sunshine hasn't bothered to prove any one constituent wrong in his or her delivery of scissor-based puns. The yoghurt falls like sick from a dearth-minder's mouth, lips remaining sullen and retracted by newspaper moguls trying to cover their backs before the police catch on to the army's involvement. Some might say that berries can be plucked for cereal in the morning but we live in the choked suburbs so, for all our wise earnings, we cannot quite be as free as the birds. The oven has farthings to spill and laundry detergent to soak them in.

            It's a proviso, you know, this fence-sitting game of invention; it's a big spoon striking the back of a long donkey with the hump of a camel. In short we're lightly battering deformation because that's precisely what mother told us to do when father was on the sauce again and reading from all the holy books with wide-eyed buttering of syllables. We have to create before the direct-to-videos come flooding out from the balustrades, from between them. We don't mind doing it and we certainly shouldn't insofar as our cousins in New Zealand have no problems with moss, eldritch or otherwise. Turning on a dime, on a penny, on a placard, on a Derry Dada while the rest of the world is being useless at a horse show.  

31/05/2014 - LOST ON A VIKING LONGSHIP

Lost on a Viking longship, as seen in the future. The bits and bites of critics are mere analysis of elementary comments with delusions of permanency. Deliberate quality for the caveat requires two-ply focus and a lot of extra upside. Take 2. Bonehead decision. Executives configure. Speciality controls for numerous generations. Cry out and listen to the fizzle of air as it falls down around you in a crown formation. The two plumbers are adapting to a life without loneliness, a time best spent together in a millionaire’s toilet. Legal battles ensue in a different future entirely. Like fishing for carp allegedly.

How many of the 23 episodes have you seen, as linked in the description? That’s a push towards kung fu raps with definite love and undefined, unrefined sexuality on a boat missing its many sails. It’s just a matter of time before scraps expropriate themselves into a Montreal conman. That kind of stupidity seems really contrived so get it off the table before the conman shows up and laughs at your idea of a hustler, what is essentially a mere hustler. Don’t look so green around the gills, crime pays through the teeth and leaves behind a fashionable topknot or so I’ve shown you through my years of silent weeding.

This is a column you need to climb sporadically and without question. Your trachea is broken and it cannot be redeemed unfortunately for you and your girlfriend and her part-time pet boyfriend. She’s a movie star, what can you say? Well, you actually can’t saying anything except ‘nah’ or ‘hemp’ which is a shame for careers away from rope walking or rope binding. Ask a lot of questions like I’ve found the lovers in my life tend to do and pizza gets thrown around the shop until someone takes a serious stand at politics in this unredeemed region. Turnover shall occur and no doubt with my ties to the Russian mobs. Transformation after transformation, meek into mild and then into something more cold and terrific in bed.

Let’s all read off the ceiling. Let’s all type out a machine code that the machine cannot process or decipher or know why anyone would even care to make it. English isn’t the only language worth contradicting so why not spread out your linguistics into hateful idioms of the soul. Your mother and her sister have told everyone in this community that that’s the kind of shit you go in for, that your shitty star sign involves tampered evidence and an impounded flat-screen television for as long as you can keep hooks on it. Now we’re at nowt, good for owt but nowt. Ready to redeem the language so notice it already. Were they stuck at 7, all the rest? Were they all waiting in the touch toilets, crouching against the bowl due to sickness and irradiated chemotherapy? That’s just inexplicable, why anyone would even say that with dart-like potency. Ask for the record and see what’s on the rattle, you not me.

30/05/2014 - THE CHANCE TO WIN

THE CHANCE TO WIN MAKES ME INTOLERABLY AFRAID TO CHILL THE DEAD AND FEEL THEIR TWISTED SOUP RUNNING THROUGH THEIR TWISTED FINGERS. HOOK BONES ARE WAITING IN THE FLOATING AND YEARNING WON'T DO ANY OF US ANY GOOD, NOT WHILE THE LIARS ARE THE CAVALRY WITHOUT SICK BREATH ON HEATHES. I HEAR THAT YOU BECAME A DIRECT DESCENDANT OF THE CROSS THAT CHOKED CHRIST INTO A FILTHY VERSION OF HIS BROTHER'S FIST, ALL ALONG THE ARCH OF HIS HISTORICAL THRONE. MY BUDDY IS ON FIRE BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN DOUSED IN KINDLING AND VOLATILE ELECTRICITY. I THINK MY GLOVES WERE BEING WEIGHED HERE AT SOME POINT, AFTER I LOST THEM TO GLOW IN HEAVEN FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES WITH THE REST OF THE BELLIGERENT AND STALWART. THAT WHITE LIGHT MELTED THE CONSEQUALISM IN MY BACK POCKET LEAVING ME WITH NOTHING WORTHY OF LOSING OR NOTE. IT HURT.

            REACHING FOR RULERS AND LENGTHENING MEASURING TAPE THAT DRAINS ITSELF IN SMOKING BLOOD AND RECKLESS TOOTHSOME DIE-CASTING. I THINK MY MODELLING CAREER HAS HIT A SHUTTLECOCK TEMPORARILY TO THE EXPENSE OF YOUR COMPASSION AND ESCAPOLOGIST APOLOGIST NIMCOMPOOP SIGHING. THESE THINGS NEVER QUITE END AS SHARDED OR AS CONVENIENTLY AS PROMISED IN THE ADVERTS, THE LINES GET BLURRY AS YOU MEASURE THEM IN TOMATO GROVES. THE CELERY GROWS ITSELF IN BOTANICAL GARDENS TO THE TUNE OF A THOUSAND MINI COOPERS EXPANDING ON EXPERIENCED WORK EXPERIENCE OFFICERS DOING THE ROUNDS AROUND VARIOUS GARAGES AND LIBRARIES IN CASE THOSE SONS OF BITCHES FORGET THEIR FAITH OR DROP THEIR COIN PURSES. JOIN THE ARMY, THAT'S THEIR SLOGAN BECAUSE IT SAVES ON TOKENS AND OBLIGATORY CIGARETTE SMOKE. BIRDS OF DOOM, GLIMMERS OF SQUARES IN DISAPPOINTING LAND. A TALL HANDSOME WOMAN WHO MOSTLY PLAYS BRIDGE AND SARDINES BECAUSE ETERNITY IS REALLY A RATHER LONG CASE OF SHRINKING, WILL SHRINK DOWN TO WHISPER IN COATS AND SOME SMOKING JACKETS.

            DINNER IS SERVED IN RENTAL CARS BECAUSE THE COST OF SELF-RESPECT HAS RECENTLY BEEN BARRICADED IN THE SLUMS. STACKS OF GREEN WOOFS AND WOOFERS AND WOLVES IN SHEPHERDS' CLOTHING HAVE STRIDENTLY SLINKED OUT TO THE TUNE OF A TINNY PIANO CAUGHT BETWEEN TWO LARGE VOLUMES ON SWEATY BIOLOGY AND TEENAGE MISFORTUNE AS IT HAPPENS OR HAPPENED IN THE DAILY GRUNT AGE. THEY REALLY WOULD APPRECIATE YOU, THEY REALLY WOULD HAVE HAD YOU BOTHERED TO EXIST AT THAT POINT OF THE NIGHTMARE BUT THEN YOU AIN'T WANTING FOR WHAT YOU SEEM TO BE. YOU JUST WANT TO TURN UP THE TEMPO OF BOOZING IN THIS MICROSCOPIC CATASTROPHE ROOM. BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE PLAYING YOUR SONG IN A SALOON SOMEWHERE, AT LEAST THE VOUCHERS WILL MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE AND AT LEAST THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES CAN BE PACKED IN A KITTEN'S FATTY SAC. JAZZ AS IT OCCURS IN THE NATURAL HABITAT OF A SMOKER.

And I, I just can't get past the judgement, can't avoid the burglary of my ideals by some bugger from Ipswich with his electrician's degrees and his limp wrist that only blocks him out when he breaks into Rock 'n' Roll

29/05/2014 - ROBUST BACKS

Robust backs press against the teenage superpower for the sake of an hourly themed party. They’ve got the bad guys on the run without much inhibition or cutesy Japanese Belgians jangling along behind them. You’ve been beaten by worse teams with fiercer technology and worked-out plausibility. Ask and you shall hear guitar strings being electrified for bony fingers that rarely meet anything straight, let alone troubled. Seagulls are on the attack for shark bait 1-2-3 for those who are looking for more than a look in a fleeting bus stop.

                        Dude says: everyone go home before the mayor asks about his car’s windshield and shard-resistant fairness. Arms tend to be too stubby and too fixed for the dark side of surprising siding with the apt cause in need of lorry retraction. This is a desert cactus. That is a machine gun covered by shade. My comedy comes through reading about humour and application of Earthly centimetres. Complete blackness in the pitch shift. Sonic writing and a new moon. You can see in the ambiance in the starry blue: that’s really interested in the interesting.

I know that the kangaroo is topped by interesting gyroscope technology in wyvern standing. I’ll finish this with big sensations and fragrant final bosses with whole shit and half antennae. The green grass grows with just one of those things man, Dude says. He likes breakables and some issues of a particular newspaper filled with additional articles and many ways to dynamism for schizophrenic falling off. Here I come, here I come. Crumbs or patience. Or Zen even. Did you just expect the bucking to return you to the platform with both legs intact and prostate doing rings around the retirement plan? Expand on your thought process.

                                                                                    This is infuriating, Dude says, I hope this ruins your comeback tour with gargantuan tricks and carnival sell-outs. I’m sorry to H-I-J-K-L and sometimes M with analysis of great monitors. You’re a mob boss with a canopy of put upon talk show hosts. She’s too much for an advocate like me, troopers without trial or error or overthrown boredom walruses.

                                                                                                                        CBS would cruise around with Hanover Crime Syndicates from the hook on the left. Another crushing HBO rejection, another departmental bathtub for rich folk and their mermaid obtrusions; all these things going around and around in the whirly tube of my sockets. As the print copies out of swing delegation the umbrella corporations will channel the variations of king’s men as well as the brightness of the generic screen that has become the very essence of a fool’s existence. A fool’s existence is always foolish, says Dude, but not always foolscap. These are rich and deserving words for somebody and, when we find her, she’ll be showered with gifts from the nozzle to the hindrance of a floor we’ve set out for such precious keyboard junkies. Linger around the chief of limitless xenophobia and you’ll hear his chime, like a black countdown on a chardonnay bottle. Neck due for reconnection.