The 3 major changes coming to
livelihood are:
- 1. Reading aloud will be prohibited. I mean really prohibited, not just tied down to a bag full of steaks and flung onto a hapless river I mean smashed in the mouth kind of prohibition. All the junk that keeps floating to the surface shall be swallowed whole and picked apart by pikes and manta rays with gleeful surnames like Willis and Jackson. The retrospect part will come in later but not before your time is due, not before the frilly little letter box is exploded with mental jokes about menial labour in holiday camps. This, of course, is non-negotiable and relative to empirical causality clauses should you have any leftover in your indictment.
- 2. The toilets are out of bounds to the disc jockeys. These particular jockeys are far too jocular with their bladder control and bowels, say no more. The rich diet can only be to blame but the sexy punk of a head of department wants to sic the leopards on these blighted jockeys so it's probably for the best that they clear out their desks and prepare for a Swindon hoedown. That is the proverbial, mind you, a real Swindon hoedown would normally be of little to no consequence and would only serve to frustrate our destinies and the destinies of our glove compartments. We don't call our wives and husbands glove compartments, they are obviously amygdala daises. Panic over.
- 3. Asterisks will be eaten by hashes and percentages. The spiky nature of these footnote indicators are a source of nourishment for more popular symbols and that's what charges them up so they can go on for dictionary ages. All these tags now require sacrifice and what better could be sacrifice than the blonde boxers of semiotics? We're not filed with hate, contrary to popular belief, we just get so board at the end of the exam season that we sprinkle our dialect with the death of many signifiers to please our ham-fisted gods of rock and tumble. We keep them preserved in Tupperware containers until the dreaded glorious day, we are always improving methods of keeping our black dots fresh and indeed succulent.
The 20 small nothings that remain
will be:
- Ask and you shall receive.
- 2 Rebuttals.
- 3 Superhero comics from the back of the shelf.
- 4 Water-skiing as a form of drunken expression.
- 5 Old men reading on buses.
- 6 You want the second one.
- 7 Hanging out laundry will cost you and yours a tenner.
- 8 Switchblade knives are best read underwater.
- 9 Talking through depression isn't always the safest route.
- Shipment of goods.
- 1 Erasmus and taxes.
- 1 Neil and his new sexed-up band, The Oblivious Oblivion.
- 1 He's all right, darling, he's good in the hood.
- 1 Drawbridges.
- 1 Only the quick rule over the clean toilet cubicle.
- 1 Cherries and honey and bacon slop make for a right old mix.
- 1 Britain.
- 1 England.
- 1 Scotland.
- 2 Long division.
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